I am typically a very open person. I do not hide much and I am pretty much "what you see is what you get" and firmly believe that life is too short to waste time holding back....except when it comes to my blog. Yes, I will tell my friends , family, and clients who read this blog the truth about the funny, silly, goofy things that are happening....but I try to shy away from what might make me seem sad or unhappy because I am not a sad person.
Last night I typed the following post 3 times, I posted it to my blog 3 times, and I deleted it 3 times. I thought that "my photography blog was no place for this post", " people do not want to read this", and "this is too personal for a blog that is supposed to be about my business". I actually do this a lot...post an entry and then erase it a few hours later.
Then I read this post from Mailie over at ShutterSisters. She is right. As photographers we ask our clients to be in the uncomfortable position of being themselves,being honest, being true in front of me (a stranger) in front of my huge lens to be documented forever. So here goes. I will be vulnerable in front of you.
Holding my breath yet again...ready , set, go...jump!
A conversation between Caleb and I (yesterday) on June 23, 2008
I do not know what prompted Caleb to initiate this conversation. We have not talked about cancer and chemo for a very long time, but at the dinner table he started with this:
Caleb: Mommy, remember when I had cancer?
Me: Of course...I will never forget that.
Caleb: I was really scared and I thought I was going to die. Then I saw God and he told me that I had to go back.
Me: (turning my head so the kids don't see the tears in my eyes) : Oh. Well you are alive and healthy now and we are so happy for it. Do you remember what God looks like?
Caleb: No, but I remember going to see Him and I remember one time when you pulled me in a wagon where kids played basketball.
Of course the conversation blew me away. Like I said, we have not spoken of cancer in awhile. We never ever discussed the possibility of him dying. The strangest coincidence is that we had this same conversation exactly 3 years ago...to the day. I have it here in his online journal at Caringbridge
June 23, 2005
Caleb and I were digging in the garden. He had just finished his last chemo treatment. He took my face in his hands and turned my head towards his.
Caleb: Mommy, my cancer is all gone and I didn't die.
Me: No, Caleb, you didn't die.
This is the part of the conversation I did not enter because I was afraid it would freak people out.
Caleb: I went to see God, but he told me to come back home because you and Daddy needed me more.
On July 15 it will have been 3 years since his last surgery for his cancer treatment. 3 years. 3 years later we do not think about it as much. Days and weeks can go by without thinking about cancer at all. 3 years later the memory of it still hurts as much as it did back then when we do think about it. It still hurts the same. 3 years later we have this beautiful , amazing life we could have never imagined for ourselves. 3 years later Caleb is a beautiful, insightful, normal, healthy 6 year old boy. Yay for 3 years!!!!